


Birds and Bros

by stardustandfantasies



Category: Padz and Friends (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Crack, Drunken Shenanigans, Gen, Implied/Referenced Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 08:09:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17179136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustandfantasies/pseuds/stardustandfantasies
Summary: "Don't wanna hear any more horror stories about you corrupting my dear little sister-in-law," Keenan interrupted, feeling the need to defend Stella's virtue like a good older brother.Julian snorted. "You think she's innocent? I haven't told you about the time I arrived home late and—""CAN'T HEAR YOU!"Or, In Which A Brothers' Bonding Time Went Horribly Wrong.Rated M for referenced sex.





	Birds and Bros

**Author's Note:**

> Pure crack. ERROR: 404 Plot Not Found, plus a happy, rambling, bordering exhibitionistic, kinky drunk. Mentions of sex.
> 
> This is set in some random human AU. Julian is in his late 20s and recently married; Keenan's in his mid-30s, around six years older or so, and had done a fair share of babysitting Julian and Stella (his childhood friend) when they were kids.

Keenan was in the town on a business trip, but he managed to make some time to see Julian, and the two of them headed to a bar. The brothers hadn't met for quite some time, and there was a lot to catch up with in each other's life. By the time they approached their fourth drink—probably fourth; they might have drunk a _little bit_ too much—the topic had shifted to marriage.

Julian raised his glass. "To married life!"

"And to your future kids!" said Keenan, completing the toast.

"Not in the very near future, though," Julian said, grinning, before downing his drink at once.

Keenan scoffed. "Why? Not getting any?"

"Who do you think I am, Lionel?" Julian cackled and set his glass aside. "On the contrary—daily doses of it!"

"All vanilla and sugar and ice cream, I suppose?"

"I don't know about ice cream, but Stella  _screams_."

Julian wiped the drink Keenan had just spewed on his face with ominous calm and continued, "Like this time when she begged to be spanked, so that's what I did. God, did she scream a lot. She likes it when I spank her then fuck her then spank and fuck her at the same time."

“I—I could use another drink,” Keenan mumbled. Or two or three more so he could water down what Julian had just happily disclosed to him.

"See why we don't want kids yet?" Julian rambled on. "Kids are nice, being a dad is nice too, but getting laid every day, every night is a million times nicer. I'd rather be kept awake by her screaming than a baby's screaming. And speaking about that, I like it when she calls me _daddy_."

 _Mother of God, I must be hallucinating_ , Keenan thought. His little brother, to whom he remembered giving a piggyback and reading bedtime stories, was talking about his kinky sex life.

"This is sort of embarrassing," Julian proclaimed without the decency to look embarrassed at all, "but whenever she calls me that, we'd go at it 'til—"

"Don't wanna hear any more horror stories about you corrupting my dear little sister-in-law," Keenan interrupted, feeling the need to defend Stella's virtue like a good older brother.

Julian snorted. "You think she's innocent? I haven't told you about the time I arrived home late and—"

"CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Keenan didn't want to remember Stella as anything but a sweet little girl who never created trouble. Whenever she's involved in a mess, it's only because she went along with whatever bad idea the hell-raiser extraordinaire he called his brother came up with.

"—tied and rode me—"

"I DID NOT HEAR ANYTHING."

"—fucking hot though, I don't complain. Especially not with leather and garter belt."

"What did we do wrong when we raised you?"

"You did an amazing job, as far as my amazing taste is concerned."

Keenan buried his head in his hands. "Go home, you're drunk."

"What? Don't be a prude, Bro. Or—" Julian smirked "—is your sex life not as _exciting_?"

"Like hell I'm going to discuss mine! I'm not a fucking exhibitionist."

 _Definitely not fun,_ Julian decided.

"Whatevs." He stood and put on his jacket. " 'm going. Gotta fuck my wife senseless."

"My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" Keenan lamented.

After his brother went, he got up and ordered another drink.

He could definitely use a lot more drinks.

**Author's Note:**

> A great proportion of boys' school guys and girls' school girls are perverts. Trust me, I went to a girls' school once. Keenan is most definitely not a prude, but you'd react that way too if your baby brother tells you about his kinky sex life.
> 
> Martin and Lionel would've got cardiac arrest if they're present. :D


End file.
